Chapter 24: A Lot On My Mind

Dear readers,

Normally when I’m in the right mindset to write, the words come naturally off the top of my head and then they string themselves together to make sentences and from that, the sentences grow into paragraphs but on this occasion, it feels different. It feels like I’m having to make more effort into putting my thoughts into something worth reading. This is not the first time that this has happened to me, this has happened to me many times before but that’s what makes it so great about blogging, the task of putting all those words, some of which that seem to be out of place and out of sorts unexpectedly being the cogs to the gears that make up the engine that runs off the feelings and emotions that you feed it. I mean if I’m going to take 5 minutes of your time, I want to make sure it doesn’t feel like a waste. Time waits for no man so the even though it’s a small period of time, those 300 seconds belonged to you, in fact, those seconds had your name illuminated by bright neon lights tagged onto them.

I’m guessing because my thoughts on this occasion are on the complex side, even for my standards because right now, I’m in a reflective mood, 2015 is on the horizon and the thoughts of my successes and failures this year are taking my attention; perhaps my regrets have tied me up in a web of disappointment and I’m fighting to break free of the sticky prison, vowing not to let the hungry spider make me its dinner in the New Year or maybe its my achievements that’s making this chapter more difficult to put together, maybe I’ve got the feelgood factor and I’m riding a wave of positivity, hoping to take my momentum into new frontiers. Sure, it’s good to weigh up the pros and cons of 2014 in order to maintain a level head because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s to be realistic about all of the your pros and all of your cons, don’t let the pros make you into a egotistical jerk or allow the cons to make you feel sorry for yourself. You need a bit of both, good and bad because if you had just one, you simply wouldn’t be living in reality, you can’t have relief without regret, joy without sorrow, contentedness without envy, the lists goes on……

But here the thing, as much as I want to look at my past, the stuff I did this year is slowly becoming mere history in a treasure chest at the bottom of the sea. In fact for every year we are in age, we have a treasure chest full of the stuff we did and stuff we didn’t do. Every now and again, we’ll dive into the sea plummeting towards the bottom, find the treasure and yank it out of the sea bed going up to the surface. Once above the surface, opening up the chest full of the stuff that made us dread or made us happy, staring in the face at the stuff that made us regret, staring in the face at the stuff that got rid of the regret and replaced with relief, staring in the face at the feelings and emotions that you felt and staring in the face at those what if moments, wondering if there had been an alternative chain of events, would things during the year have turned out significantly different. But remember, those moments you find in the chest are confined to history and at the end of the day, you have to close the chest and drop it back into the sea but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. What if you needed closure and you just wanted to finally end a chapter in your life or perhaps you needed answers to questions that were blocking you from moving on. Whatever happens, enjoy the gifts you find in each individual chest and drop them back below the surface knowing that over the next 12 months, there’ll be a new chest waiting to join the gang of chests full of treasures.

I still have things that I need to get out of my system though, to get off my chest and like Ghengis Khan, I have the urge to conquer and rule. I’ve had to learn to take one step at a time in order to complete my objectives but it would be naive of me think that there would not be backwards steps to conquer too as at times it feels for every step you take forward, you take another ten backwards, the more you try to rectify the situation, the deeper in the mire you get. It would be easy to give up and just settle for the scraps but not me, I can’t control it but I really don’t like to lose and if I ever do lose, my instinct will always be how can make up for it to get me back on track.

Changing that losing feeling into a winning one is ain’t easy, not knowing whether or not you’re taking the right steps in a right direction unsettles the mind and makes you doubt when there was no reason to. As one door closes, trying to pry it open might not be the wisest of choices when there’s another door right next to it open for you to walk through. Opportunities come and go, they might come back again another day, they might not so stubbornly trying to achieve something that quite simply is unrealistic, out of your reach no matter how lanky your arms are has no benefit, you’re only going to make yourself more and more miserable desperately scrapping for the impossible. Move on, if not, you’re gonna be fall behind in the giant game of Ludo happening around you whilst the other players surge on, leaving you to bite the dust, you’re not a conqueror, you yourself are being conquered and that’s not how it should end.

The various different outcomes of whether you reach the targets or complete the objectives are plentiful. There are so many factors that come into play somewhere down the line, this is the sort of stuff that has been occupying my mind. I want to know whether I’m birding, parring or bogeying each hole that I tackle, hoping that complete my round as well as possible, only with hindsight and reaching the end will I or anyone who takes a swing at the course know what scores were achieved.

‘Dr. R’



Author: Dwayne Bickersteth

I like to write. I like to take pictures. That is all.

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