Chapter 30: Back On The Radar

Dear readers,

With the radar is on the fritz, I’ve been through some tough times, it’s been difficult to tackle the tasks ahead and doing them to the best of my abilities. With my fate cupped inside my own hands and knowing that it would be down to me to steer myself towards the light when it felt like there was nothing but darkness surrounding me. With no radar to guide me, achieving my aims would not be easy but nothing in life is easy, you make do with the resources available, all you can do is try and hope your efforts are rewarded.

In the dark days, I questioned myself as I felt my spirit waning from me, draining to the point my mind slowly took on the simple traits of a zombie, out of ideas and in need for some fresh impetus:

“There’s too much pressure, all I want is for it to cease so I look to God to ask him for some peace and I’m losing my shit, all this weight on my shoulders, will I get through it all, I hope He answers my call.” 

However now, after what feel like an eternity, I can finally feel the breathing space I’m been praying for for quite some time. Now I have enough space so my lungs can inhale and exhale without a feeling of deep compression tightly coiling itself around my chest, the sort of tightness that a heavy smoker in poor health would feel. My mind at its most strained literally flatlined through exhaustion, pushing it to go on when there was no energy left to give seems like suicide looking back but when the goal is there for the taking, you chase it, you hunt it down and doggedly fight to the bitter end and in your final efforts during in your final hours, you ooze out every last drop of energy to prepare yourselves for the final test.

Now I desist to insist that my time has expired and I need some inspired thinking to get through what fate had set for me. I’m in no rush as I coast towards the horizon with the drama left far behind. I can cosy up in my bed without having to frantically jump out and rush out of the house, trying desperately to put nine and ten together without getting twenty-one. The hard work is over, I made it over the finish line and as stressful as it was before I came even remotely close to crossing the line, I can look back and say that I conquered what I set out to do despite being radar-less and rest like it’s the seventh day.

I feel like the control that I lost in the past has been returned to me but I cannot ignore the fact that there have been many times where I’ve wished I could go back in time to better days, to days where the rays of the Sun aimed down from above, illuminating my path and shining on me, empowering me with a feeling of safety and hope or perhaps back to the darker ones, to warn myself of the perils of my future actions, to try and block away to clouds of doubt that burdened me immensely, to steer myself away from impending disaster. I am no time-lord so this idea of going back in time to correct my previous wrongs or going back to the golden days is merely wishing thinking, I can’t allow myself to think in the past because how would I be able to cope in the present and how would I be ready for the future.

It’s safe to say that during the past few weeks, I’ve been a blind man, not able to see the answers staring me in the face but like Kenshi from Mortal Kombat, just because I had no sight did not make me without hunger, you find a way around your vulnerabilities and that’s what I did, even though I had not the foggiest idea where to turn or what to do. If I was playing a game of Battleships, I would definitely be on the back foot, frantically searching for the hidden ships to destroy whilst losing part of my own fleet in a battle not without casualties. Overwhelmed, outgunned, imprisoned by thoughts of failure, it’s these moments when you’re pushed against a wall with the predators zoning in on you that you find that extra gear needed to accelerate your way out of trouble towards salvation, it’s like the second wind that athletes get in the closing stages of a race or that valuable boost of nitrous oxide needed to propel a racer to victory in a drag race, sometimes you find what you need when you’re least expecting it.

But what to do now that the radar system has been booted up. I’ve had enough boots up my backside to know not to get hit on the blindside. Not sure if this is a play on words or if this is wordplay but I’m getting the hang of it, I’m not hanging on in there for a way out of trouble, I’m hanging on because I want to continue on the yellow brick road on my quest, I’ve got my head up, not down, the zest in my life has returned to me and speaking of things returned to me, I’ve regained the control that I lost so rather than just hanging on in there for a way out of trouble, I’m hanging on until I reach the land of Oz.

‘Dr. R’

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Author: Dwayne Bickersteth

I like to write. I like to take pictures. That is all.

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