Chapter 33: I’m Not Normal

Dear readers,

Before I start things, I wanna give a quick shout-out to Sacha Black for giving me some of inspiration behind this particular post. I definitely feel in terms of where I am now and where I was 18 months ago when I first started blogging that I’ve gained more of an idea as to what my identity is. I want to make my own impact in my lifetime rather than let forces out of my control dictate my destiny. You only live once (YOLO) and I want to make sure I have as few regrets as possible although whenever someone mentions the aforementioned phrase, I normally think of bad consequences, I mean when was the last time you heard someone say “YOLO” and not do something incredibly stupid!

I look back and I see that I wanted the normal life, to be able to blend in and not feel like an outcast. I look forward now though and I see the I don’t want to be normal, I’ve had my taste for it and I’ve had my fill, now it’s time to be different, to embrace the weird in me, accept my individuality because there’s no else on this world like me. I’m only 21, youth is on my side and I’m not as naive as I was before, I’ve seen the best this world can offer but I’ve also seen the worst too. It’s taken a lot of hardship and sacrifice just for me to be where I am now and I appreciate everything that has happened for me to be where I am in 2015.

I turn back the clock and I see September 2010. I was 16 years old, fresh out of secondary school, ready to start a new adventure. I didn’t know where to begin, everything to me was alien, I felt like I was walking around on an undiscovered planet. But as I wondered around, I realised that I had a clean slate, I was just the same as everyone else here on this new planet, they didn’t know me and I didn’t know them but over time, we would acquaint and get to know each other, fight perhaps but with a laugh or two along the way.

Adapting to the surroundings should have been easy, I should have been able to slide into the groove like guys trying to slide into the DMs. I should have been able to make the transition from trying to survive to trying to thrive. I should have thrown myself into the deep-end even though I might struggle than stay in the shallow-end, too scared to risk not being able to stay afloat. Out here where the slate is clean, it’s a game of stick or twist. Do you stay with the red or twist to the black and then hope with that the rotations of the wheel will grant you good fortune. This was not a time to hold back, this was a time to leap forward and jump into the unknown without doubt giving you any second thoughts.

But to do that, will that mean people will accept me for who I am? I have to make a mark but does mean I act in a way untrue to myself? Do I have to compromise my own happiness in order to keep someone else from being unhappy? If I was a foolish man, I’d let all my dreams get washed away in the storm whilst the wise man stays safe knowing he built on solid ground. I’m not a monster but I can be one if there are too many Frankensteins trying to mould me with a purpose. Being told what I should and shouldn’t do like a don’t even have a brain, what kind of existence is that when all my presence does is make other people feel accomplished whilst I’m still trying to find the fulfillment my purpose needs. I didn’t want to be a monster, I wanted to be the doctor, the decision-maker and if that meant acting in a way that didn’t seem really normal, I’d take a deep breath and proceed onwards.

I didn’t want to be normal anymore, that was too easy, being normal now felt bland, tasteless, devoid of meaning. Before, as a naive little sheep in a field, I needed a shepherd to guide me and keep me out of trouble’s reach but now, I had no shepherd, I had to explore the field to see for myself what else was in there to see and maybe look the danger in the eyes, seeing it charge at me like a bull in a ring, red in its sights with nothing in the way to stop it. I might have been scared before but now, I felt fearless, I felt like I was in control, I didn’t need anyone to tell me what to do, in fact, I hated the thought of someone telling me what to do when I knew I didn’t need their help, I could do things for myself, suddenly I had an independence I had not had before and I grasped it with both hands. I made my own decisions, my own diagnoses, I was slowly becoming the doctor and forgetting my monster past.

More and more, I feel like my purpose is evolving, one minute I think I know what I want and then the following minute, my mind goes blank, the targets set ahead erased and replaced with new ones in their place. Is it a race or is it a marathon, either way I want to get there in the end. Everyone wants to get to their end goal but don’t worry about the whispering voices of doubt that wander, they whisper because they don’t want you to hear them so if they’re talking behind your backs, ignore them. You are in control of you, if you have to be unorthodox, alternative, nonconformist in order to reach your targets, do it! If being normal is a gripe and you fancy something more colourful, change it up, unleash the spontaneity onto the bland and watch it sprout wings. No-one wants to be a caterpillar for their entire lives, embrace the change and accept yourselves and you might find to like the butterfly that comes out of the cocoon.

Dr. R


Author: Dwayne Bickersteth

I like to write. I like to take pictures. That is all.

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