You know about Candy Crush, everyone knows about Candy Crush, that sweet, colourful and most importantly, addictive game which drives you insane in the membrane when you can’t complete levels. If you have no idea what the hell Candy Crush is, you must be wondering what the fuss is about. Why the hell do random people on the train get frustrated with their phones whilst you travel to wherever you’re going? Here are some things both novices and experienced pros should know.
1) Candy Crush will fuck you up
Excuse my french but I’m convinced that the game has been designed in such a way that when you’re on the verge on completing a level, it tries to mess things up for you on purpose. Say you just need to get one more nut/cherry down down the bottom to complete the level, instead of sending the candies you need, it sends the ones you don’t need, forcing you the waste moves trying to get rid of them. Then when you fail the level, it tells you needed one more ingredient as if it’s your fault you failed! Then it does the same thing again before eventually you run out of lives and have to wait for the lives to recharge.
2) Candy Crush will definitely fuck you up
Excuse my french again but this game will drive you insane at the amount of bullshit it throws at you. The jelly levels are killers, for a start just when you think it’s all gone, jelly magically appears from nowhere and not in a easy place to clear but in a corner with no candies around that match. Jelly that has icing covering it is Candy Crush doing an impression of your local train operator delaying your train for no reason and then when it looks like the train is on its way, finding out its been cancelled, in short, if you see jelly + icing, Candy Crush is slapping you in the face, without boosters, your progress is going to be stuck in the mud. The licorice is not only pointless but tenacious, when you think they’re all gone, it reproduces again at double the rate as before, it’s like playing Whack A Mole, no matter how many moles you whack, they keep on coming back. The licorice boxes that cover candies will have you like ‘bruh, I thought my life couldn’t get harder and now it has’. The teleporters represent a game of roulette, they can either make you or break you and in the more part, they will break you like how you will break your keyboard like the warriors you are because this game may seem harmless at first but in fact, it’s one of the most stressful tasks in daily life.
3) The Daily Booster Wheel is a bastard
The wheel of fortune, it’s a win-win situation because you cannot lose, you win a prize at the end of the day. I say wrong because I believe that this game tracks your progress, including the level that you’re on so when you use the wheel, it gives the one prize that you don’t need. It gives you a lollipop hammer when you can’t use it or a jelly fish when it’s not available. Hence why the wheel is a bastard, you expect it to help you but really it laughs at you when you don’t get what you want and then here comes the salt onto the wound, it asks you to try again tomorrow, patronising you to the fullest. How many times have you ever hit the jackpot? What’s the point of it being there when you don’t even get the chance to use it?
4) Candy Crush is expensive
Boosters come few and far between, the same comes with lives if you don’t want to wait for them to recharge. This is where the money inside your wallets suddenly jumps out and tells you to spend them on Candy Crush like a bunch of overexcited little kids who have just realised that they’re going to DisneyLand and are waking up their parents to get ready even though Mum & Dad have only just booked the holiday. Listen to the voice of reason, don’t spend too much and bankrupt yourself, how pathetic would that be, at least if you’re going to financially ruin yourself, do it with drunken pizzazz and brash confident in a casino with friends just as drunk and stupid as you, not crying alone in your bedroom, wondering why you spent so much money.
5) My God, it’s addictive
‘One game, just one game, then I’m done’. WRONG, it’s never like that, you play one game and it will turn into at least 100 games, whatever plans you had will turn into dust when Candy Crush comes calling. Kooky cravings don’t have shit on Candy Crush and even when you get your fix, you’re still left wanting more, it’s irresistible like chocolate, fuck healthy eating and give into the chocolate, surrender to the chocolate and surrender to this game! The more you resist, the harder it will pull you in like a tractor beam, there’s no escape from Tiffi, Mr. Toffee or the rest the CC squad. This game is more addictive than you think and when you think about, if there was no CC, what would replace it? A social life? More productivity? A healthier wallet? Control of your life? Why would you have any of those pointless things when you could spend your days wasting away playing a game, sounds like a barrel of fun if you ask me.
6) The stars and the leaderboard
The stars in themselves can be annoying, when you complete a level, you either get one, two or three stars and when you don’t all 3, it’s annoying because it’s a blemish on a spotless record, you will never feel complete until you complete that level with a 3 star rating. Levels with only one or two next to them don’t mean anything, the real glory is those with three stars, they are the ones that count, the moral here, if you’re gonna win, do it convincingly. As for the leaderboard, this is pretty much a leaderboard full of egos in the sense that whoever is at the top has the biggest one because they completed the really difficult level like a boss and those below are peasants. Seeing yourself near the bottom will drive you mad, forcing you to complete the level again but gain more points to raise up the leaderboard without thinking you put yourself at risk of losing yet more lives. I told you before, this game will fuck you up.
7) Candy Crush should be 16+
This should be made law, no child under 16 should be allowed to use CC because they wouldn’t go to sleep, they wouldn’t go to school or pay attention in school, they wouldn’t eat, they wouldn’t drink, they wouldn’t talk to anyone and they would spend every last penny that they had on CC. You end up with a generation of zombie children, dress them up like Nazis and take CC away from them and you could play a real life game of Call Of Duty: Nazi Zombies complete with the mystery box of weapons. A least when you’re 16+, you have some sort of control but for a kid, the transformation from human to zombie is startlingly quick.
Those are some things to know about Candy Crush, you got that.